i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
