can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
