My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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