census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
