if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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