Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
