It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
