I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
