btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
