I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
