you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Is Oprah even human
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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