She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
