They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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