Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
