i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
