Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
