The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
