Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My penis needs a shock collar
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
