yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
