I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
