I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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