dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
