Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
