shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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