Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
