true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He kissed a someone with a penis
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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