not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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