i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
