nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
