I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
