big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
