Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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