quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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