the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
