matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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