I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
