I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
