The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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