either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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