Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
