she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
its liver damage thursday
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
