I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
