Quick, to the slutcave!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
