I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
