he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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