I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
