the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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