Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
