I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
don't judge my taste in strippers
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
