Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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