I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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