my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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