Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
