No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
